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penguinbob07
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Name: Brandon
Country: United States
State: Minnesota
Metro: Minneapolis
Birthday: 8/23/1989
Gender: Male
Interests: Bible Study at school also known as THUMBS. learning more about Christ, spending time with my friends. playing soccer, beatboxing, guitar, singing, listening to music, anything musically involved.
Expertise: being weird, writing poetry, hand drums, making up stupid stories/jokes/pick up lines
Occupation: my heart is occupied by God
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  zargomuffin
MSN: penguinbob07@hotmail.com
Yahoo:  penguinbob07@yahoo.com
Member Since:
4/7/2006
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| i am not who You've made me to be.
i've rebelled against Your wishes.
thrown away Your plan for my life.
i've blatantly and purposefully ignored Your will for my life.
i am not who You've made me to be.
i mess up again and again.
fail You, let You down, fall down, get back up only to fall again.
i curse and destroy, i hate and disobey.
i am not who You've made me to be.
what You say i throw away, what You do i excuse.
You ask of me, i demand of You
You hold out Your heart and i break it,
over and over and over again
who am i to deserve what You've done?
i am not who You've made me to be.
why am i so blind to the sacrifices You make?
why do i turn away from the only love that can heal?
i am not who You've made me to be.
i am not loving and compassionate.
i am not caring and forgiving
i am not souled out for You.
and yet You love me as if i was.
i'm telling You i'll change who i am.
but tomorrow when i wake up...
guess what? i won't be who You want me to be.
i ask for change, i ask for renewal
but the more i want it, the harder it gets
i ask for strength and i ask for endurance
because i cannot do this on my own.
i am not who You want me to be
because i am to be no one. i am to be You.
if i am to be like You then i need to forget my failings
and leave this dirt filled corpse behind. | | |
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I am my own worst enemy. I get angry at myself more than I get mad at anyone else. I frustrate myself more than anyone else frustrates me. I disappoint myself to the verge of depression and I am always letting myself down. I am the biggest hypocrite I have ever had the unfortune to meet, and I am the least likeable person I could possibly think of. My heart, my mind, my soul, everything about me is twisted and distorted. I do not do anything the way I want to and if I do, then I am always doing it for the wrong reason. I cannot trust myself, I don't believe anything I tell myself, and in the end I can't find anything good to say about myself (if you don't believe me, read the above statements starting with 'i am my own worst...')
This is not a self pity script. These are not the words of an attention starved teenage boy. This is not a suicide note. This is simply a message stating the heart breaking, hardly acceptable truth. I am a failure. I can't do anything without screwing up.
Thankfully I don't live by myself. My life is in the hands of one who is far more capable to put up with me than I am. My heart, as wretched as it is, is no longer mine. I gave it up, committed proverbial suicide. I am a dead man. And in death I have found new life. I shed these filthy clothes and got new ones. After sacrificing my heart and life I found that death was not there to greet me. Instead I heard words that I would never expect to hear. 'Welcome home Son.'
odd huh, here I am giving up my life only to find that I never really lived. And to think that the sick horrible disgusting person that I am could find acceptance in the arms of One who cannot tolerate the presence of sin. But wait...how can I run into the arms of a father who knows no sin when I am a sinful person? that must mean...
But if I have been washed in the newness of life then why to I still feel so miserable? Why do I ask for forgiveness and promise to repent and then find myself making the same mistake a few breaths later? How can I continue to fail the only one who loves me unconditionally? The only one who gives me chance after chance? The only one who opens His arms and hold out His heart time and time again knowing that we will take His heart and destroy it? Who am I to deserve such love?
It must mean that I don't deserve it. Then why do I continue to mess up and start over and mess up and start over and mess up? Why does He love me so much? I don't know. I do know something though.
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| how do you know when what you do is who you want to do it for? | | |
| these four words find me in a daze
my hands start to sweat and my heart starts to race
my feet grow cold and my mind shuts off
those four evil words 'we need to talk'
it seemed to me like it was going so well
but on these past thoughts i can no longer dwell
i asked you to tell me if something wasn't right
and now the future doesn't seem to be as bright
what'd i do wrong?
did i make a big mess?
i did all i could
would you ask for no less?
it might have been awkward but only from fear
i didn't want to lose what i held so dear
it might have been silent but words got in the way
i had no way to tell you what i wanted to say
see words don't quite cut it when they're talking about you
actions aren't enough so i forgot what to do
maybe what one thing seemed was really another
you took something wrong now i'm running for cover
what'd i wrong?
did i make a big mess?
i did all i could
would you ask for no less?
so i'm sitting here now and i'm flailing away
cuz i'm trying to figure out what i can say
i'm thinking to hard of what i can do
so let me just say i am sorry | | |
| funerals have a strange effect on me, granted i've only been to two of them but both times i have gone into the funeral sad and teary eyed, but then something happens inside. I don't know if it's the fellowship of those left behind, the shared memories belonging to those who left, or commonality of those grieving, but i do know that it's because of the transformation that happened to the now cold and empty shells that both of those dear people left behind.
both of those people had been blessed with long and fulfilling lives. They both left this world withered and battered like a tree exposed to a constant wind, but in the same manner they stood strongly rooted, unmoving and sure. In the end they both were born from this world on wings of light and are now dancing in heaven with more energy and passion than humanly imaginable. Maybe it's the idea of their rejoicing in heaven that gives me reason to smile. Maybe it's the idea that I will see them both again with glorified bodies with smiles shining with the joy that only Christ can give us. But i think the overall reason is that hearing the stories of their beautiful lives, understanding and believing that someday people will talk at my funeral about my life being well lived and fully lived for Christ, hearing their stories has given me reason to aim for something higher. i don't want my funeral to be as silent as the grave because it will be filled with laughter and the knowledge that i will see all my friends again.
but then again, maybe i'm too young to be thinking about this. | | |
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